A cruel..joke.
A cruel…joke.

No matter how much I hate something, I can never do anything about it.
I hate my life, I can’t do anything about it, but to cry all days and nights.

Yesterday was a depressing day.
I cried not because of an unknown’s death, but I cried over a sad broken heart.

How pathetic.

And today, he seemed not as sad, but I’m not sure if completely happy. I couldn’t tell, though, my head was telling me that he was a bit mellow. Then it’s probably not true. I don’t think he could get over it so quickly. “Distracted” as JC had said.
He dropped a pencil, or I thought he did. Stats teacher walked over right when it dropped, so I was like, ‘Where the hell did this come from?’ I didn’t want to think it was Buddy’s, so I ignored it and got back to doing the paper. When the teacher was gone, Sponge shouted out my name, and I turned around. “Can you pick up Buddy’s pencil, please?”
I looked over at Buddy, seeing him reaching for the pencil with his hand and leg. I looked down at the pencil and picked it up. I smiled, smiled, and gazed at his hand. Was a bit tempting to tap his hand with the pencil, but then I gave up the idea; that’s why I was staring at his hand lol, indecisively.
He looked at me, a small smile appeared; and for, probably the first time, I looked at his face, straight into the eyes and HE was ACTUALLY looking back into mine. “Thanks, you’re my hero.” I was surprised by that, though, it was only a few micro-seconds. For that moment, I thought his eyes were telling me he’s happy, but they lied.
In my head, uhhhn…yeah…I just picked up..your pencil..? “Of course.” I said, grinning and pulling onto my hoodie’s collar, it was choking me. Buddy chuckled, but wasn’t really smiling. Sponge said something, I heard “hero” as well, I said what? He said nevermind. “Haha, okei…” I turned back to my group. I don’t know what’s going on, but Heather…had been looking so..much in bad shape, like she rarely smiles. It looks more like she’s hiding something. Her eyes have been freaking me out lately. I know that she’s very, very stressed and all; but I don’t know what’s going on with her life. She says all these wonderful thngs like how she misses her boyfriend. It makes me wonder, if there’s something more wrong with her life than simply what she had told me. But my eyes can be tricking me, I don’t know…I just don’t know. It really irritates me though, feels as if she’s starting to dislike me or something, tch…human…

At first, I thought…why didn’t Buddy ask me to pick up his pencil, HIS pencil…why did he have to go through all trouble to tell Sponge to ask me to pick up his pencil? I don’t understand. I don’t get it. WTF. Have guys always been this difficult to deal with? I thought, THOUGHT, that hmmmn…this might be a sign that he might possibly likes me. But it was rather very vague, I didn’t feel happy at all. When Sponge talked, I sometimes turned over to look at him, like he was talking to the teacher, then somehow, his eyes were all on me. It’s weird. He doesn’t look at me at all in Chem, 3rd, but in Stats, 4th, what the hell is going on? Is it because of the fact Buddy is around in 4th or what? Tell me omg…
I had been noticing it, and it’s pretty awkward. Maybe because I sit closer to him in 4th the 3rd? I don’t know, dammit. But he would usually not give me attention at all when he talks to someone else, only when Buddy’s around. But I’m probably just thinkng too much. Then when class was almost over, Heather stood up so I stood up too and followed her as she walked to where the guys were. Buddy moved into the space from behind someone to where I could see him. They were talking something about uppercut punch, I was like okei. Buddy sat down on the couch that was behind him the whole time. I kicked his leg lightly, and observed his reaction, I was terribly disappointed. He looked annoyed, more like uneasy, more like “go away.” When I saw that, I backed away right the way and talked to other people. Then Billy and Sponge acted out the uppercut, I watched, then Sponge turned around, I was right behind him, and he did that uppercut to me, I leaned backward just in case “what the hell!?” lol. Buddy didn’t smile at all…I wonder what was going through his head. The bell rang…and that was the end.

I didn’t think about it much, I overlooked it, bu then…I……realized something and it snapped.
He was closer than Sponge, why didn’t he ask me himself, you know. I think he would with other girls…even if shy…he ain’t shy when Sponge is with him. I got depressed and watched how happi JC was with PTT. I feel awkward to talk about this, so I didn’t until just now. She did not have much to say, I didn’t think she would either; but it’s alright. I understand…I do…haa……

When I got home today, a shocking news bashed my mouth shut, shrinkened my pupils, cranking my brows…I could hardly as I read the letter. I got so stressed that I almost black out in the car…what is it? I can’t tell…I’m too embarrassed to tell. It ain’t something big, but it’s certainly too embarrassing to tell…

Anyway…
I will not..admit that I LOOKED into this too much. I wouldn’t if he had asked me for the pencil himself, instead of Sponge asking me for his own pencil…but whatever.
Just a little bit..I feel hated…v___v; but who cares. It’s over. It’ the end.
I’m going to give up for real, and I MEAN for real. Hope for no skoo tomorrow, so I wouldn’t see his face. I’m upset. I’m angry. Tch!!

I had already lost the battle, why fight on?
“That isn’t the right quote, this is: I have lost the battle, but I haven’t yet lost the war.”

Then…can you fight on knowing there is no hope?